Where have I been you ask? Let's SEE...

Yeah, yeah, I know...it's been awhile since I have written anything. A lot has been going on but through it all I have conquered one of my greatest fears and can now see better than I EVER have in my life!!! And no, I don't just mean metaphorically.....I faced my fears and had laser eye surgery! I've had glasses since the 3rd grade and basically from what I can remember...I have seen every thing through two lenses. Once those glasses were off, life was blurry and a little scary, so my glasses became my eyes. I highly depended on them because without them I was blind. And because of this, I couldn't fully experience life. This may sound overly dramatic, but it is the truth. Simple things like swimming, riding rollercoasters and taking a shower were not the same for me. When you can't fully see you lose the chance to really relax and enjoy the moment. I remember I used to LOVE swimming, but as I got older and my vision worsened, it just wasn't fun anymore. Same with rollercoasters. I went on my first rollercoaster ride when I was in elementary school and I went all by myself! I loved the thrill and was so proud of myself. But after that moment, all I remember is not enjoying rollercoasters as much anymore. I either had to ride them without my glasses and couldn't see OR I had to hold onto my glasses as I rode and pray they wouldn't fall off or break. So as you can see...either way was not so much fun. My biggest fear as a child was going blind because I assumed that I would as my vision got worse, I was always apprehensive about going to the eye doctor or dealing with my eye health-and that fear and nervousness carried on through my adult hood. Even though I knew as an adult I wouldn't go blind just because my vision got worse, that dark cloud of fear from my childhood still hovered over me. I remember one day when I was 13 years old, I literally ate a bowl of carrots hoping it would help my vision improve.


So to make a long story short, after LOTS of thorough research, contemplation, prayers and professional diagnosis....I DID IT!!!! I faced my fears head on and put my eyes and hope in God's hands....and now, I can see better than I EVER have without glasses and it's getting better and better. With the type of surgery I had, my recovery is slow and I have to be patient because my vision is slowly improving. But at least I can SEE with MY eyes..not through two lenses! I can take a shower and SEE my body....I can wake up and SEE my beautiful daughter's face across the room...I can read the clock in the morning....I can function WITHOUT my glasses and now I can't wait to experience all those moments I missed out on!!!! I can't wait to go swimming with my daughter and see how excited she gets...I can't wait to get to snorkel one day in Hawaii...ride a rollercoaster without any fears...LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST BECAUSE I SEE IT ALL!!!!!!

I thank my husband for being there for me through this rough journey, because the decision didn't come easily. I thank my family for supporting me through it all, the wonderful Dr. Reed who calmly took me from a nervous candidate to a blessed success story and most importantly thank God for his love and help! But of course I can't forget one more person...I thank MYSELF for facing my fears and opening my eyes to a new world!!!!

Oh and one more thing...I wrote this whole thing WITHOUT my glasses!!!!! BOOOOYYYAAHHHH!!!! :)~

Patience Smatience

I want to start off by saying that I love my baby daughter more than ANYTHING and would NEVER EVER want to imagine life without her. But, even though my hubby calls me Supermom and at times I do feel somewhat heroic...today is NOT one of those days! I am only human and when your sweet little baby girl is turning into a teething demon, things get a little rough to handle. Luckily, I am blessed with the most AMAZING man in the universe who is always there to help and support me. But when your baby is off -you are off too. For the past month or so, she has been waking up screaming bloody murder through the night and as much as you feel bad and want to take away the pain, you also want to pull your hair out from the frustration and lack of sleep. Waking up to screaming EVERY day wears you out after awhile. I honestly don't remember waking up to silence or the sounds of the birds. And again, I don't mean this cruelly towards my baby...I know she can't control the nightmares, teething and gas...but dammit we NEED SOME PEACE AND QUIET!!!!!

My hubby and I haven't had a full day alone since our baby girl has been born...so right now, that sounds like heaven to me. Just us two walking hand in hand in peace, enjoying each others company, talking, eating, kissing, RELAXING and recharging ourselves so we can come back and handle this chaos. I think every parent needs a break no matter how much they love being with their kids...its just normal, you need time to breathe and be YOU! Well, let's hope that day comes sooner rather than later...cuz we need it!

Well, the little one is down for a nap so I think it's time for me to close my eyes too, so that's all for now.....to all the parents out there who dedicate every thing to love and raise their children right...GOD BLESS YOU...because he is the ONLY one that can get you through every thing-especially days like this!

And The Verdict Is....

This blog is dedicated to my two Angels <3

So are you ready to hear this?

• The crime: Years of judgement, fear, ridicule, worry, assumptions and LIES
• The crime scene: My life
• The motive: To scare me from being ME
• The culprit: The JUDGE (aka The Prince of Lies or Naafs)
• The punishment: Lose control of all it's power over me because I won't believe it anymore!!!

I have decided to stop judging myself for every little thing that I do. Growing up, I learned that failure was NOT an option. I was the oldest sibling and had to pave the way for myself and my sister. And through this I was taught that you can't make mistakes because if you do you are WEAK. You have to always be strong and endure every thing you come across because that is what you do. Many times, I even had to be the adult and leader in my family and take care of everyone else, mediating my parent's arguments and protect my sister from the stress of it all by carrying the weight myself. As my sister got older she stepped in and helped out, but for sometime I was a teenager helping my parents through their marriage. That's a lot for a kid to handle.

So since I can remember, I have had that voice inside my head that judges me on every thought that passes through my mind. It's the voice that tells you...you are weak, not worthy, ugly, fat, a failure, etc....the voice that locks you into a dark dungeon inside your mind and makes you feel like the most horrible thing known to ever exist. You feel that it has so much power over you and escaping it's claws is impossible. You start to fear the thoughts and wonder if they are infact true. Am I really a bad person? Can I really become who I want to be? And sometimes the answers to those questions scare you so much that you just want to cower in a corner and cry. But the ironic thing is, the judge has the power because you give it to it. We may not have control of nature, other people or anything else in this life, BUT we do have control of ourselves. We have the power to NOT listen to the judge and deflect it's poison so it doesn't slowly destroy us from inside. It may seem impossible but the only way to silence the judge is to IGNORE it. Don't believe what it says...just listen and let go. Once you stop giving it power and believing the lies it will slowly shrink away into a distant nothing.

Is it hard to do this?: Yes

Is it a lifelong task?: Yes

Will some days be harder than others?: Yes

Am I the only one that can take control?: YES

So thanks to my two Angels, I have realized deep in the core of my existence that I must accept this challenge and take on my judge in order to find true happiness from within. This happiness will lead to balance in myself and my life. It's the only way I can really be happy no matter what chaos ensues around me.

I have to give myself the chance to live in peace...despite what lies I hear in my mind or see around me. I deserve it....and I will make it happen! We think we have so much time on this earth but the truth is our lives are just a blink in the eyes of existence. I want to make the most of it and be grateful for all the love I was created with and have in my life. There's no better time than NOW...so here we go!!!!!

Khodah yeh Omiedeh Tou!!!

Here it goes....

Well, here I am. And now I must do this for me. Do what you may ask? Well, just write. I used to write all the time-since I was a young girl and at times felt isolated in a new school far from home. I wrote about anything my heart wanted. Mostly, how I didn't feel like I was in my true element. Like I was on a whole other planet from everyone else around me. I wrote to God, because from since I can remember, my mom always told me he was there to listen. And when you have no familiar faces around you and judgements are made in a snap it can be very terrifying. So he was the only familar that I knew who wouldn't judge me no matter what. Writing got me through a lot of tough times and as my life changed so did how I would write or how often. But the one thing that has never changed is what pours out of my heart and now it is time to let my heart have a voice again. I have never written on a blog, so I can't promise witty comments or fantasical stories. This is just me, writing, opening my soul and letting it express any pain, anger, fear, hope or love that it has been holding onto for so long. I wrote a poem for school when I was younger and I don't remember what it was exactly about....but I remember five words that it had to end with-THIS IS ME, I AM. Who am I you ask? A human being, woman, daughter, sister, friend, college graduate, lover, wife, mother? Yes, I play all those roles....all of which are very important to me. But my true quest in life is to find the essense of who I really am...my spirit...the reason I am here and how I must grow to reach my true potential. Through these roles God has blessed me with, I have and will continue discovering more of what I really am. But life is a journey and this jewel won't be found so easily. I must never give up searching for it, for if I do I will be in a dark place with no hope or light to shine my way home. So, thanks to my loving husband who is always looking out for me, I step out of the shadow that has somewhat covered my heart for so long and put my fingers on this keyboard in hopes to let my soul have a voice again through the written word...letting my heart breathe in the freedom it has so long needed to breathe. This is me, I am!